A mother on a taboo: I can’t love my daughter

Birgit Greiner (36, Name changed) feels no such luck, as she becomes a mother. The child is larger, will be supplied, but not loved. Three years later, at number two, everything is different. Why? It is reported on FOCUS Online.

For the second Time, I had brought a child into the world. The whole night I lay awake. Looked at the sky, the clouds and the Baby, his tiny fingers, the soft, curved mouth. How beautiful my son was. And as my heart is fulfilled. That is the point – suddenly, I understood what women mean when they have children and talk like this.

So this is the sense in that? Three years earlier, after the birth of my daughter, everything was quite different. In the room with three other mothers were with their babies, all of them were kind of cute. Like Anna. As each Baby somehow.

I just wanted to have my peace

What does this have to do with me? I remember this question. And the fact that I just wanted to have my peace and quiet. And if I had the to home, then it would be determined what the nature of a woman spoke, in fact, that mother feeling.

But even there, I waited in vain. Looked at Anna, the tiny Finger, the mouth, the sounds and drink wanted to, and was incredibly disappointed. Anna triggered any of these reflexes, the mothers usually have: to keep, bear, want to cuddle. Of course, I have supplied you. She fed, diapered, held. But this is all I did. To get tired of you. In order to bring you to Sleep.

Somehow I made it all only with the head

A mother’s love is selfless, I always thought. And I thought of women who said that they would give their lives for their child. And I imagined how hard and moved the heart of this women probably was. While I was with Anna all this is somehow only with the head: the right amount to pour milk for the porridge in the pot, the ceiling properly in order to place the bonnet over her head, and she froze.

Sure, you look first to the circumstances, if you become a how do I pregnant unintentionally. 22 I was stuck in the middle of the training to the educator. Nine months but is a long time, and towards the end I found it really cool to be a young mother. Also: with Jan to move in together, the small Shack in the student dormitory is sent to turn into a feel-good location for a family. Soft skins, nostalgic bassinet.

How my child for the first Time, crawled, laughed, or toothed all the way

It will be better if my life is not so one-sided, I thought and comforted myself in the first time with Anna at home. Because that was the Plan, after four months, baby break: the training finished, which was a year and a half, and Jan would be as long as to suspend for a Semester with the study.

I began to stop breast-feeding, to give the vial, my friend with the processes familiar. Quite mechanically I remember all of these steps, the promised freedom, which explains, perhaps, why you are with me at all remained in my memory. As my child crawled for the first Time, as it laughed, or toothed – all the way.

Their mere presence annoyed me

Back in the educators seminar, nothing improved, just as I was ready formed, and again a full-time mother. I worked. But I wanted to actually only way. And maybe that was the reason why I, after three years, a second Time mother, I sometimes think to myself: that Anna would be the dad. Or in the case of the grandparents. Newborns are exhausting, everyone would understand me. And So it was. Only I don’t mind. Exhausting? Anton cry smart killed me, if at all, only physically. Really welded something else has Highness me. With Anton so, of course, was what I had to overcome in the case of Anna. That me, her mere presence annoyed, even though she has such a beings, light air gear, scheuer views.

As Anna was growing up, it helped the program points to the bear being with her. Cinema, Zoo. This happened to be with Anton. We were cooking together. Could hours dahocken and have a chat. Mamas Prince hissed Anna sometimes. How lonely you have been. The bill, dad had two children, not risen. Jan had begun after graduating, a Job as an IT specialist and tight since climbed the career ladder, was, if at all, only on Sundays.

Well-mannered, straightforward, even in the school, so Anna was

It hurt to hear back on so be sensible and talk, for nothing: but in the time the Cutlery. Well-mannered, straightforward, even in the school – so Anna from today’s point of view. None of these cocky, unconventional Pippi-Longstocking-girl. And just liked me so!

On the other hand: they shoot at the age of seven or eight started, was it difficult. Always you think to Anton, she complained. Always you read to him. And me never. You can read yourself, what a stupid reaction. But I brought it just will not be ready to go in the evening time. I realized how blocked I was, and it managed to get me therapeutic help.

Foster parents – this is not a word I said

Nine was Anna, as the Situation escalated dramatically. I was always thin-skinned. The kids fought a lot. I don’t, I heard myself saying, one day, into the phone. The woman relieved had by the youth welfare office, as she came, beautifully designed rooms, neatly-dressed children. All talks that the Problem was temporary, she said.

That left me, the following steps will endure. To say Anna: The mom can’t do it alone, but there is someone. There you go, a room or two at home you would have then. Foster parents – this is not a word I said. I would have had the slightest idea that the Doctors left a Couple years in a desire to have children-practice treat, I definitely would not have admitted so far. Had Anna certainly not let it stay there. We want to Anna, after only a week, the bomb burst. Anna howled. And not only you. It was, as I would not get for the second Time this child, I wanted to.

You became self-employed, more and more you

Then why not Adoption? I can understand if people ask. But you can’t love and give up hope, to learn, these are two pair of boots. Thanks be to God. Because now, five years later, there are moments like this: My now 14-year-old daughter stands on the stage, a performance with the theatre group, and my proud mother’s heart is heavy. And warm, when I take you in the Arm. There it is, the feeling that I’ve always been waiting for. Like a delicate Plant, it is grown, no particular occasion, there was more of a feeling I think I know why it has to be relaxed between Anna and me.

You became self-employed, school, friends, sports club, has become more and more yourself, you would have to say maybe better. That puberty makes children to have alien beings with unpredictable behavior – what wears down other mothers, it does us good. And I think My rebellion was essentially a revolt against the child in me. Perhaps the attempt to rescue Anna. It is only now that I see the photos: how similar she was to me as a little girl. And again, two is because we have that sad look…

I feel until today, only loved when I have something done

For the company my parents have lived, even as a Baby I had daily. Children want to make the parents ‘ rights. Quiet was adjusted I. I am oriented today, feel loved, if I did something. And only then.

Behind something lasting traces can be when one has not been adopted as a child? Obsolete, the question. I blame myself for. Search for situations to get the thing right. You know, with you I knew, first of all, what it’s like to be a mother, I meant the other day. And: I had to learn that. With Anton I was able to it already.

Perhaps Anna has, of course, one day even a child in the Arm

Since then ask a lot of questions. What was for a Baby. According to? Quiet? Bottle child? Or breastfed? I feel There is more that belongs sooner or later. Alone, to show Anna that her memories and perceptions are wrong. I have done hard to love you – I’m afraid to say so. And white however I must. If I want to really save. In the sense of: my daughter, protect them from this fate once again repeated. And perhaps Anna has, of course, one day a child in one Arm, and the heart goes on you, regardless of whether it is a girl, or similar to, or different than you. The can be loved for its own sake.

Four questions to Kay Rurainski, family coach from Stuttgart

Is something not contrary to nature: that a child of one’s own mother is as foreign as is the case with Birgit?


Kay Rurainski: Your children are not your children, said the well-known Lebanese philosopher Khalil Gibran. You are born through the womb of the mother, but there are already quite a lot of their Own to the world. What is the relationship of this to me? This is the question that goes beyond the usually well-functioning instincts of the Hegens and caretaking. I like the nose? I like the smell? I might have had a certain experience with a person who has watched similar? Sympathy is nothing naturally given, but created, countless subjective criteria play a role. That mothers adopt children because of their own mental map to different degrees, is a reality. The society teaches, but a mother’s love has absolutely, completely, unconditionally. Such high moral claims are part of the vicious circle that can arise. For those who believe, love, inwardly only at a distance. This in turn reinforces the feelings of guilt and the pressure.


What can help?


Kay Rurainski: realize that a mother’s love is also culturally influenced. There is the Ideal of the self-sacrificing mother. On the other hand, it is said that a whole village is needed to raise a child. Not only in the past, the village community was for the Welfare of the children. Babies were left to nurse without any concerns. I advise mothers to consider the emotional vacuum first possible value-free. The own feelings to perceive and admit, is a very important step, if you don’t want to stay in self-reproach arrest – whereby the child gets only more frustration.


To the knowledge of the young actually, what is thing?


Kay Rurainski: If anything, then, later, if the ratio is noticeably relaxed. But perhaps the question by a corresponding procedure is also null and void. I am convinced that Birgit would have been spared a long ordeal, would have brought you sooner professional help. As I said: the antipathy always has something to do with myself. What, exactly, we will find it out. To work in the next step, quite aware of the relationship. Fake it till you make it – who acquire certain skills of healthy communication, allows for something to grow.


But a child, the feel: if niceness is just an act. Or?


Kay Rurainski: Even if: The own inner mess on To omit, is sure to be worse than on a practice field to go. Fake it till you make it – a good supporter is, by the way, to write a diary. What I like about the kid? So I don’t hold on to more of the Not-Like, but to leave something else. To leave Positive. The result is the Positive is more. I also speak from the “magical” view: what I see, this is what I get. If at the end of love actually it POPs out? A guarantee there is no. But it’s worth a try.

As a Four-mother the author, Elisabeth feels the villages Covers it as a gift that she feels for each of their children, could not be more different, all the same.

Nightmare for Pregnant women – so dramatic of midwives has a deficiency of

More and more clinics close to their delivery rooms. For many midwives, the work is no longer worthwhile due to poor working conditions. This has especially dire consequences for expectant mothers who, increasingly, are Stress, a good care in birth assistance and aftercare.

“Searching desperately for a midwife,” writes a Userin on Facebook, other reports, long in vain sought to have a number of Cancellations. On social networks or forums and entries from expectant are mothers, not infrequently, the questions are in urgent need of a midwife, because they were already too late. Too late is, apparently, sometimes, the Pregnant women only after the 10. Week of pregnancy have been reported.

Other mothers share their traumatic experiences with the birth. “I was left in the delivery room again and again, alone, because the midwife had to look after three other births, even when I have to blow drops of pain to help scream and also during the Preßwehen, although we have always asked drum that someone is there,” writes a woman on Twitter.

Have also experienced the midwife shortage in Germany? Write us your stories [email protected]

Obstetrics for many clinics is not financially attractive

In German hospitals there is a lack of midwives. For years, the number of delivery rooms goes back solid. The German midwife Association, it was in the year 1991, 1186 hospitals with obstetrics, in the year 2014, there were 725 – a decline of about 40 percent.

Since 2015 have been closed according to the Association for more 83, the delivery rooms, or is threatened with closure. This has, according to Susanne Steppat by the German midwife Association, often for economic reasons, for the birth of help is available for some clinics is not financially attractive. And even if the do not want hospitals, the delivery rooms, they are forced sometimes, however temporarily. Because you can’t find enough qualified staff willing to work under these conditions.

“The under-supply in Germany,” says Steppat. The sun even not necessarily the fact that there are too few midwives-Junior. On the contrary: “Every year, more people will be trained to become midwives,” says the expert, but many do not remain due to the high workload in the hospitals.

A midwife reported: “There were times where I was on the edge of my powers”

Andrea Hagen-Herpay has worked for 35 years as a midwife in the hospital as the delivery room management. Although she has experienced her career as a very meaningful, too, was sometimes all too much: “There were times where I was on the edge of my powers.”

From the point of view of Hagen-Herpay of the midwife shortage has several causes. To have been born in the last years, more and more children. While in the 2000-ies the number of births declined in Germany steadily rose since 2012, continuously – 673.544 on 792.131 in the year 2016. Only in the year 2017, it decreased compared to the previous year.

“A local baby boom I’ve seen in the 35 years that I have been working as a midwife, from time to time,” says Hagen-Herpay. In these cases, but was for reasons of cost, it’s not necessary to hire more staff.

In some hospitals, the midwives clean at the end of their shift

As a further reason for the midwife shortage, the difficult working conditions apply. In hospitals, midwives work in shifts. They often care for multiple births at the same time. Hagen-Herpay told of a clinic where “in the chord”, where two midwives on duty time, eight women serve at the same time at the birth and after the delivery room to clean. It may also happen, especially in smaller houses that other services, such as outpatient treatment or zunehemend documentation tasks added to the tasks of the midwives.

“It is similar to that of the care – there is a Madness cost is now, what you have to of documentation and papers to do, it actually makes everything twice and three times,” explains the midwife. Overtime hours are not uncommon, breaks often possible.

“I can be so hard to break, because I’m not used to, me to put. If there is a lot to do, running around it and a piece of sugar is not plugged in to the Distress in the mouth, because you get to eat,“ says the midwife. There are also other days to do that which is less, but a 1:1 care from a midwife and spawning wife had, however, hardly possible. “We often run from one door to the next. The is no care,“ says Hagen-Herpay.

Midwives in German hospitals serve three times as many women as in other European countries

The midwives in Germany are supervised for approximately three to five times as many women as in other European countries, confirms Susanne Steppat: “It has almost a conveyor belt of character.” However, women would take today, often even more benefits. Therefore, a midwife is able to supervise fewer women than in the past and it will inevitably require more midwives.

The reason: “lack of role models and caregivers,” says Steppat. Many young families have their relatives or friends in the vicinity and, therefore, no one can help you with the Situation on the ground. “I believe that today many people are unsettled because of a lack of family cohesion. This is a chaos condition in the first place to suddenly have a child. Since the women need help because they have no big sisters, which you see when you are breast-feeding.“

The consequences of the midwives-in the absence of women seek help, not find them and need to be alone to cope. “We have to assume that there are women, the traumatic experiences, because they were left in the difficult Situation of the birth alone and thus had to cope with,” says Steppat. Could improve the Situation of the expert is that, if the working conditions in the hospitals were better, it would give reasonable people measurements. Until then, women will remain to advise to look around right at the start of pregnancy to a maternity hospital and a week of bed-midwife.