If you thought you’ve heard every penis-related horror story on the Internet, get ready. This one’s a doozy.
In a recent video posted to TLC’s YouTube account, Dr. Matthew Valente recounts a time he cared for a patient who had his entire hand superglued to his penis. Yes, you read that right. Dr. Valente recounted the story as part of the gloriously trashy TV show Sex Sent Me To The ER—and, boy, you’ll never forget it.
Now, the “reenactment” of the scenario leaves much to be desired acting-wise. But the so-called bare bones of the story make up for any dramatics.
According to Dr. Valente, he encountered the truly unlucky man in the emergency room after his coitus conundrum. Apparently, the man’s wife woke him up to have a healthy dose of morning sex. But in his sleepy state, the man grabbed a bottle of super glue from his bedside drawer, not lube.
“He just said in his sleepy slumber, you know, he was trying to be quick to the draw and apparently went a little too fast,” Dr Valente says. “And voilà, his hand became stuck to his penis.”
While her husband has a, ehm, gorilla grip on his penis, the wife is preoccupied with making a family engagement just hours away. But figuring out how to undo the glue isn’t exactly easy.
“This was a large amount of skin that was affixed together,” Dr. Valente says. “There wasn’t just a small amount of glue. It wasn’t just one finger. It was, in fact, his entire palm and all his fingers which were tightly affixed to his genitals.”
As if you didn’t know, Dr. Valente says the penis is one of the most highly innervated and sensitive organs in the body. Needless to say, this poor man was in a lot of pain. To “help,” his wife calls her family—who go into the hospital room!—to drop off clothing at the emergency room for the party. Priorities.
Now, there’s three options for removal, you know, if you ever find yourself with your hand glued mercilessly to your junk. Dr. Valente toys with the idea of a painful acetone soak, a hot, soapy water submersion or just waiting it out until the respective skin sloughs off. You know, as if that’s an option.
A disgruntled father-in-law pushes for a painful acetone soak, which is the fastest option.
“You can tell he almost wants to see his son-in-law in pain,” Dr. Valente says.
The doctors, however, go with laying the patient face down on a makeshift “massage table,” creating a divot in the center for a basin of hot and soapy water. After about two hours, his hand comes loose from his privates. And all that’s left is to let excess glue wear off naturally—and to apply antibiotic ointment to small abrasions on his penis.
Bet you take a second glance at that lube just to be sure it’s actually lube next time you’re in the mood.
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